Doormat by Jackleen Guo

Jul 3

Growing up to be a people pleaser is exhausting.

After being called a “doormat” by one of my closest friends, I began to think about how I went about my daily life. How I interacted with people to be called something so surprising to me by someone I thought knew me best.

Thoughts about being somebody who couldn’t stand up for myself was something that consumed most of my childhood years. Even now I tug on this thought hoping that I’ve changed enough to not be perceived that way.

Growing up I was taught to respect others.

Looking at the rules my parents instilled me as a part of Chinese culture and how to respect your elders, it makes sense why I had such a strong sense of shame and conflict avoidance. It was never something I thought was necessary to change about myself, especially since it kept me in the good graces of every teacher I came across. Even if it meant being perceived as the “shy girl”.

I was always seeking approval from the adult figures in life because I believed that would make my quality of life better. If they knew I could do everything by myself, why wouldn’t they like me? Why wouldn’t being a master at everything benefit me?

Growing up I realized my limitations.

But as I processed those thoughts, I realized I wasn’t somebody who couldn’t stand up for myself, but rather too willing to take on responsibility that should have been someone else’s. I have the skills to accomplish a task quickly and well-organized and I used to get frustrated at those who couldn’t do the same. When I realized that I wasn’t just proving my worth, but overloading myself with tasks to where I had no time to breathe, I started looking at my roles in my commitments and not taking up extra tasks when I knew I was already stressed out.

At the Hey, I’m Here Squad sessions, we learned to set time boundaries and I feel the reinforcement that my time is valuable helped curb some of the resignations I had about not being dedicated enough.

By reducing the amount of commitments I had to dedicate more time to the ones I valued more, I’m now finding balance in my life and learning to set boundaries. I am ok with not having to do everything that’s asked of me because it’s impossible. This was the most important boundary I finally put into action this year. While I’m still a bit over-committed, I have time on the weekends to go out to eat with my friends or spend some alone time in my dorm “bed-rotting”. I don’t need to be involved in everything to be accomplished and appreciated.

Even though that simple word from my friend had sent me into emotional turmoil for so many years, I’m grateful for that opportunity to reflect on my actions and personality. By learning to set an important boundary with commitments, I can show up to my most important events as my best self.

Although it took me more than 5 years to successfully alter my actions for this boundary from my wake up call, is there something you want to work on changing in your life?

Is there something not working out in your life and pushing you to set some boundaries?

This is your chance to set out to make your life better for yourself.