Leaps and Bounds: How Setting Boundaries Helps Everyone by Anna Bates
Subway is my personal nightmare. Walking up to the counter, making my specific requests, going down the line and specifying every minute detail of my perfect sandwich makes me feel as if the walls are closing in on me. I hate it because there is an inescapable thought in the back of my mind: “Why are you inconveniencing this person?” This bizarre fear of customizable sandwich shops is, while outlandish, very reflective of one of my most limiting weaknesses: Voicing my needs and wants is to me what touching a doorknob is to a germaphobe.
For most of my life, if my friends wanted to go out to eat at a place that used my allergen foods, I would make up some excuse for why I wouldn’t be able to hang out, and told them to go and have a good time anyhow. I missed out on countless hangouts, birthday parties, and get-togethers with friends and family because I could not bear the idea that I would have to draw that boundary. It was my senior year winter formal, and to my horror, I looked at the menu for the restaurant that my group had selected and saw that each and every item on it contained one of my two allergens: Shellfish and tree nuts. With gritted teeth and shaking fingers, I typed out “I am so sorry, but I can’t go there. If I go into the restaurant, I might have an allergic reaction. I could meet you after dinner if you would like.” I watched my screen and waited for them to tell me where I could meet them before the dance. Then, to my shock, I saw a message asking, “That’s okay. Where are some safe places for you to eat?”
It was then that I realized that my fear of boundaries was really a fear that the people I cared about loved their own preferences more than they loved me. This was obviously not the case. The people who love you will respect your boundaries. Someone who does not prioritize your
safety and health is not someone who should be trusted or given power over your life. Discerning who you cannot trust with tasks and information is crucially important to protecting your peace, but it’s equally important to protect your peace by allowing others close enough to support you by entrusting them with boundaries.
It will still never be easy for me to express my boundaries, and sometimes, that’s come at great harm to me and the people I love. But I have found that with healthy conversations that are open and vulnerable, I can make myself understood and understand the boundaries of my loved ones. For example, I placed a boundary with my mom on how much we would communicate once I moved to college. I told her, “I feel overwhelmed by the number of texts that you are sending me. Please limit your texts to only sending me important information for now.” That was in the fall of my freshman year. Now that I have adjusted more to college life, I keep a more open line with my mom, but I needed to have that space in the fall to give more space now.
When I decide that I need to set a boundary, there are a few steps that I go through. I ask myself, what is the problem, and how does it make me feel? Then, I ask myself how the other person is likely feeling so that I can be both empathetic and realistic in my approach. Next, I identify what I want to change and how that change will make me feel. After I do that, I can decide on a clear, measurable boundary and sit down with the other person to have a clear conversation. Of course, there are some times when I cannot safely sit down with them,
especially if my physical safety is at risk. Being mindful of what I can realistically anticipate from the conversation is crucial to managing my expectations.
Finally comes the most difficult part: Enforcing my boundaries. Boundaries should be set in such a way that when they are broken, I have clear steps to take to distance myself from that person. This is exceedingly uncomfortable for me, because believe it or not, I will still feel bad for taking something away from the other person. So I believe myself to be a burden, and the removal of myself to be an equal burden. (See the logical fallacy here?) Nonetheless, holding my ground (cutting off contact, removing myself from certain environments, or changing the level to which I interact with a person,) Is healthy in that it gives me a sense of peace, and it allows me to begin the process of forgiveness. This is another important part of learning to set boundaries: I had to understand the difference between boundary setting and releasing anger.
When you understand boundary setting as a crucial step to protect yourself and others, rather than something that is awkward or scary, you can approach conversations in a way that is beneficial, healthy, and productive. This season, I am setting boundaries like how often I check my work email on my days off, how often I open Instagram, and how many commitments I make for my schedule each day. Just as a plane passenger must first put on their own oxygen mask before helping others, we cannot best serve those around us until we serve our basic emotional and physical needs.
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)