Good Boundaries Make Good Friends by Keeton Byerly
Photo by FREDDY IRRA on Unsplash
Setting boundaries is an important conversation to have with yourself. A set of boundaries is something deeply unique to the individual. Just as with a moral compass, a set of boundaries is important to allow you to set how and with whom you interact in life. By setting boundaries, you make a conscious decision of what one is willing to accept. Unfortunately, individuals often have to fine tune their boundaries from hard lessons learned in life. It’s often only after a difficult situation that causes reflection, and a potential revaluation of one’s own boundaries to prevent hurt in the future.
Boundaries with respect to relationships with others often come with trial and error. A great example comes to mind with a birthday party I had years ago in middle school. I remember being so excited about my upcoming party and inviting all of my friends. I must have invited over 20 people, all of them being very confident that “yes, I will be there!”. Imagine my disappointment when only three people showed up. Still, I think that helped reinforce my boundaries and helped me understand the value of a loyal friend. In setting boundaries, I found that my boundaries were more relaxed with a friend who was reliable, as opposed to others that I might consider to be a casual friend.
I’ve refined my set of boundaries with others over the years. One thing that I’m particularly proud of personally is my ability to find something in common with nearly everyone I’ve met. However, I’ve set boundaries with whom I share deeply personal and vulnerable sentiments and thoughts. Generally, I have to feel confident that the other person will respect what I say, hold it in confidence and ultimately reciprocate those feelings. Setting those boundaries will help protect your feelings and allow you to continue to share. In the unfortunate instances where you find that someone has not been genuine, you can decide whether to forgive them, or to not share with them in the future.
Work-life balance is another important aspect where boundaries are important. Just as jobs vary, boundaries with relation to those jobs are also varied. Do you set boundaries when you’ll take calls or respond back to emails after hours? Also, how quickly will you respond back? These are where boundaries come into play and are important. Ultimately, boundaries allow you to help preserve your energy.
Additionally, when it comes to work, do you have boundaries when it comes to helping co-workers? I know for me, I’m always happy to help when someone needs help. However, I’ve
had to learn at times to have boundaries. Just like with a group project at school, I want to help a peer when they run into problems, but I don’t want to do it for them. I’ve found that boundaries in this area help set expectations when it comes to sharing the work load.
Boundaries with your family (or chosen family) can also be difficult. But, as difficult as this may be at times, it’s still incredibly important. If you’ve moved away from home, regular communication is key to maintaining strong relationships - but what does that look like for you? For me, I would call my grandmother when I had the time and mental capacity to share. I felt like for the early years after I left home, I was dealing with a lot of job and housing situations that were stressful and I didn’t necessarily feel like sharing. However, it was important to set that boundary - talking about it would often only add to my stress. In that way, a boundary allowed me to not have to constantly live in a bad situation, mentally and in reality.
Living with others is also something that requires respect of boundaries as a whole: respecting the boundaries of others, and having them respect your boundaries. It’s this mutual respect of boundaries that is the prerequisite for a calm home environment. It’s often a series of fine adjustments to live in harmony with others, but it requires kindness and understanding of the quirks of others.
Is there a towel that the other person doesn’t like if you use? Do you get frustrated if a dish gets placed in the wrong location accidentally? These simple things can be frustrating - but at the core of it, those too are boundaries. Given the intimate nature of living with others and being in a shared space together, respecting what might seem like small things are part and parcel in having respectful boundaries.
Ultimately, boundaries are important. Just as you may have your own set of boundaries that you have incorporated into your own life, it’s just as important to respect the boundaries of others. Boundaries are an individual’s way of understanding and interacting in the world, and with others.
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)